Thoughts Before My Early Pregnancy Scan| 5 Weeks & 6 Days

How am I feeling? A mixture I suppose.  I’d like to know what’s going on and whether or not I can start to enjoy this pregnancy, or if we’ll be starting at trying to conceive again.

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Not knowing is worse than the reality of finding out the baby may have died I think.  Although at this stage I’m not sure I can even call it a baby yet.

I suppose over these past days I’ve become detached from my feelings just in case the news is the worst.

I’m still spotting and I’ve become accustomed to staring in the toilet bowl to watch my wee stream to check for anymore bleeding.  Sounds gross, but I’m checking in every way possible in case things get worse.

This morning a little bit of brown tissue slipped out and into the stream.  I’m convinced this baby won’t progress, and seeing that tissue matter makes me confirm that in my own head.

Plus instead of the bloating that I’ve had, I’m waking up feeling like I did pre pregnancy.  Just normal without any bloating.

I’ve not got my hopes up.  I’m still cramping and uncomfortable, and I’ve sat at home for days.  I’ve been an awful mum to Little London because he’d love to go out, but I’m in no physical state to do that right now.  Plus I’m scared that if I’m too active I’ll make the cramping and bleeding worse.

But let’s be honest if this baby isn’t going to make it it’ll have to come out whether I try and keep it in or not.

My heads all over the place.

All I can think is that losing it at this stage will be easier than losing it at later date.

thelondonmum

48 Comments

  1. I just came across your blog, read this post and already feel like I know you. I’m in a similar boat. We have a wonderful 8 month old daughter and suffered an early stage miscarriage 3 months ago. We’re trying to conceive again and every test I take is a let down but part of me worries about what will happen when it does come back positive, because then it’ll be a whole new set of worries – all the ones you mentioned in your post. I’m thinking of you and hoping the scans come back positive.

    • So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I don’t think anything can ever prepare you for it, and having to deal with pregnancy after having one would be so much harder if not almost impossible to fully enjoy- which will no doubt lead to a whole lot more guilt. Good luck with conceiving, I’ll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you. x

  2. Goodness, I really hope all is well. I can see why you’ve not got your hopes up, it’s like you’re coming to terms just in case but I’m hoping for the best outcome xo
    LaaLaa recently posted…Scholl Light LegsMy Profile

    • For me I think that’s just the way I cope with things. Others are great at positive thinking but I prefer to deal with things on a level of reality so if the worst happens I’m not crushed.

    • Normally I’m such a positive person, and if it were someone else I’d be all about the positivity. But with myself I think sometimes I take away the positivity before I think someone else can. Silly but it helps me to deal with things better oddly.

    • That’s far more then anyone should have to suffer, so sorry for all your losses. xx

    • Thank you Lisa, hopefuly for any other women who feel the same it might give them that bit of hope. x

  3. The amount of times that you supported me yesteryear through my battered out-of-control scattered emotions days – now it’s my turn!! SO, I’M GOING TO RISK THIS … straight off the hip before an 8.00 gig… & to hell with PC!

    C’MON LondonMum … P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E!!!! Your system & emotions & scattered head & heart have just gotta calm so that you’ll be reassured so you’ll blossom into a slightly inflated stick insect ha. You know ‘L’ & I can’t speak through family experience so I guess I’m an easy target & can be heavily criticised I suppose … & I can only feebly guess at the anxiety overload you undeservedly must be going through but, although we admire your courage & realism please PLEASE be positive LondonMum … as said before, ‘L’ & I & the B+WC are more than 100% with you!! … Dorset trembles … ‘L’ & I hold our breath & tighten everything in for you …(blimey, these old rugby shorts must’ve shrunk haha?) – but no more of this “awful Mum to LittleLondon” – rubbish!!! – just look at him, he’s an absolute credit to you!! In my teaching days I knew that children, irrespective of KS age, could ‘sense’ when things weren’t right & would usually somehow understand & respond sensitively. Come next May, he’ll be potty trained, (sorry) bouncing about, – bypassed puberty & University, joined Mensa, shaving & be sponsored by Gillette – & be a full-time heart breaking international rugby player to boot – but he & you will be so proud of a new addition to the LondonMum dynasty – who’ll be almost as gorgeous as me (‘wot?? – I can’t have said the wrong thing surely ha.) C’mon Little ‘rugby warrior’ London, you know what you’ve got to do for your Mum.

    RIGHT LONDONMUM – just as you did to me yesteryear – I have a (gentle) challenge for you! You stay strong & positive & I’ll defeat this monster Bach piece well before the heavy-weight Advent recital (& get a bootleg recording for you – just as a marker) & the avalanche of Christmas gigs hit me &,&,& … Ok, ok, I’ll gladly take ‘L’ shopping (gulp) … DEAL??? … C’mon LondonMum … positive!! I understand that ‘you aren’t the fabulous charismatic you’ at the mo but, not having you taking the mik out of me just isn’t right – I’m used to it haha! When all’s calmed & all’s well & ‘you are you’ (both of you ha) … sit down & write your ‘I’m back & you’re gonna it now’ script & I’ll set it to any music genre you like (another gulp, I know exactly what you’re capable of ha!) Courageously & POSITIVELY onwards LondonMum … C’MON !!!

    • I know you’re right. Well except the potty training thing.. I”m going to attempt that in the coming weeks. I’m going buy myself some gloves, because I can only imagine the accidents that will happen! But you know me. I’m a realist, so positivity can be hard in these situations for me. I’ll try though!

      • Sorry LondonMum – still no time for Dorset PC I’m afraid – so you can shoot me down in flames I suppose – but … C’MON LONDONMUM!!! … KEEP GOING!!! No matter what part of the circle-of-life hits you – IT DAMN WELL HURTS in way or another!! You’re at the beginning of the circle, &, as you know, somebody else, coming up to 10 years ago now, wasn’t – which I had to (disgracefully I’ll admit) face – & I know it’s all too easy for me to say, “You’ll be ok” from down ‘ere but, the undeserved turmoil & anxiety you’re going through must be a real test of you staying positive (but I know you can) & be relentlessly challenging. But, my unPC off-the-hip return positive encouraging support for you is the same that you gave me … the principle’s exactly the same. I know you’ll try LondonMum but, you’ve just GOT to stay positive!!!!!! (& thank you for NOT saying – “& what the hell do you know!” … you must’ve been tempted.)
        So, just as you did for me LondonMum, (& don’t you dare do what I came so dangerously close to doing!!!) Be gently told … for as long as it takes I’m going to keep on at you … ‘L’ & I & the B+WC are all with you!! Before I hit the Bristol Temple Mead studio recording gig road – I’m going to persist … C’MON LondonMum & C’MON LittleLondon!! If I can beat Bach …….!! One way or another, everything is ‘overcomeable’ (if there is such a word ha?) Just the mere mention of ‘N’ from you & I’ll set ‘L’ on you … after 6 years now there’s eventually someone who’s regained social skills confidence & can now finally talk more than you can believe it or not – & that’s something I certainly CAN talk from experience of – my ears ‘urt haha. I can’t wait until everything initially is overcome & you’re reassured & the real fabulous mik taking you’ is back firing on all LondonMum cylinders! C’MON LondonMum – you know me, I hate being this serious! Courageously & Positively Onwards please LondonMum. C’MON! … C’MON!! … C’MON!!! KEEP GOING!!!!! Gotta go.

        • Me mick taking 😉 Never! lol. thank you. Don’t worry I’ll be back to yelling at you soon! ha!

    • I don’t think there’s ever a point in pregnancy when you aren’t slightly scared. Not until he baby is out and you hear it cry. When I had my son and I heard him cry I literally felt like I’d done my job and got him here safely.

    • That’s exactly what I’m doing, it’s true. I just have to take baby steps.

  4. Hang in there love! My prayers and well wishes are with you! Always know that things happen for a reason. A reason you may not see in the present but something that might affect you in the future! Sending in lots of love and hugs!
    Ayesha Farhad recently posted…The Joint Family Syndrome.My Profile

    • That’s my life motto, and why I believe good and bad things happen. I know I just have to put my trust into it. x

  5. Massive hugs lovely, I totally relate to where you are coming from as I experienced this myself, although sadly my story didn’t have a happy ending. Glad things are going well for you now xx

  6. Oh lovely, knowing that you are further along I feel so much better reading this. But I feel for you. I have two beautiful children but I’ve also miscarried four times. So I know the mixed feelings before a scan only too well. And the body also does very weird things and you can become convinced that you are miscarrying when it is all normal. But I’m so glad you and baby are okay. Hugs Lucy xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted…My rainbow baby featuring Mummy in TrainingMy Profile

    • I’m starting to realise just how strange th body is, and how out of control we really are of it. x

  7. You poor thing. You have every right to be feeling so many emotions. I wish you all the best for the scan and the future!

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