How am I feeling? A mixture I suppose. I’d like to know what’s going on and whether or not I can start to enjoy this pregnancy, or if we’ll be starting at trying to conceive again.
Not knowing is worse than the reality of finding out the baby may have died I think. Although at this stage I’m not sure I can even call it a baby yet.
I suppose over these past days I’ve become detached from my feelings just in case the news is the worst.
I’m still spotting and I’ve become accustomed to staring in the toilet bowl to watch my wee stream to check for anymore bleeding. Sounds gross, but I’m checking in every way possible in case things get worse.
This morning a little bit of brown tissue slipped out and into the stream. I’m convinced this baby won’t progress, and seeing that tissue matter makes me confirm that in my own head.
Plus instead of the bloating that I’ve had, I’m waking up feeling like I did pre pregnancy. Just normal without any bloating.
I’ve not got my hopes up. I’m still cramping and uncomfortable, and I’ve sat at home for days. I’ve been an awful mum to Little London because he’d love to go out, but I’m in no physical state to do that right now. Plus I’m scared that if I’m too active I’ll make the cramping and bleeding worse.
But let’s be honest if this baby isn’t going to make it it’ll have to come out whether I try and keep it in or not.
My heads all over the place.
All I can think is that losing it at this stage will be easier than losing it at later date.