I was prepared to open my heart up to another child. I had been pre warned not to worry about sharing my love between two children, because you don’t share it… if anything your heart grows bigger to accommodate the other child.
And that was true. Oh my goodness how that is true.
What no-one prepared me for was the emotional loss of my first born as my baby.
When I left my three year old son with my parents the night before my caesarean I left behind my baby. The baby that made me a mum.
As I waved him goodbye I didn’t realise that those last few moments would be so precious. In my eyes, he was still a chubby cheeked little person that needed me. He was still too young to understand the world and take it on without me by his side guiding him. We’d obviously continue where we left off when I got home from hospital with his little sister.
I should have held him a little bit tighter and breathed in those last few moments with my nose pressed to his head. I should have relished in that unique ending of babyhood. Because its transference was imminent.
If only I’d known but no one had warned me. And so I look back with almost regret that I didn’t realise what I was saying goodbye to when I left him. I was closing a chapter, not just on him being an only child but on his very existence as a baby.
Overnight he aged. Overnight he grew. Overnight he became less dependant.
And just like that he moved on from being my baby and he became a boy.
He never warned me he was ready for me to release the reigns and so it came so unexpected.
After tending to his sister at bedtime when we got home from the hospital, I went into his room to check on him. He was sprawled out because of the heat, and it was the first time I noticed just how big he’d become. I just didn’t realise.
He doesn’t wake anymore when I go into his room. He’s a heavy sleeper. He’s no longer a newborn that jumps at every sound.
His ability to talk and communicate is that of a boy now. Not the broken words of a toddler.
I stroked his hair and mourned the loss of him being my baby.
Even now it breaks my heart. I’m proud of the boy he’s become. He’s just beautiful inside and out. But I really wish I’d known. I was spending so much time preparing him for his new role, that I forgot how those changes would affect me.