There comes a point in pregnancy when sometimes you feel like the people around you just don’t understand what you go through. It’s an isolating feeling that literally makes you want to cry, but you feel so stupid for letting those tears run. At the same time it’s uncontrollable, and I know it’s just the hormones.
Well it’s the hormones coupled with a little bit of annoyance. The annoyance you would normally be able to brush off but the hormones just won’t let you. So it builds and builds, and before you know it you just can’t stop crying.
Mr London Mum is so supportive with many things. He’s currently removing skirting boards and old flooring getting ready for a delivery of new carpets tomorrow. He’s dismantling a bed, so when the new carpets are in we can put up the new bed we’ve bought.
But whether he realises it or not sometimes he’ll give me a look which indicates he thinks I’m being lazy or he’s doing more than his fair share.
Or he’ll say in quite a condescending manner things about loading or unloading the dishwasher. Yes, not a crime. But something which is sending me over the edge. Because it’s not that I’m purposefully not pulling my weight. I’m just tired. I’m so tired. I see things around the house that need doing but if I’m honest things are starting to become more exhausting for me now.
Walking up and down stairs (we have a lot of stairs in this house). Bending over to sort out the dishwasher. Bringing wash loads up and down the flights of stairs. Putting plates on the top shelf of a cupboard- I just can’t reach anymore. Even a supermarket shop.
It makes me feel like utter sh*t, but at the same time I just need him to look at me and ask if I’d like to go back to bed sometimes. Ask me to sit on the sofa and chill while he run’s me a bath to sooth the aches I’m starting to get. Rub my god damn feet so I acknowledge that he knows physically and emotionally I’m giving my everything.
I feel like I’m still contributing to the household. I’m making meals, offering tea, sorting out the toddler. Yesterday Mr London Mum played football- which is great because he needs to have something he enjoys. I don’t resent that at all. I wish he could go every week. It’ll only be work that’ll stop him. But the childcare, entertaining, sorting of things inevitably become my sole responsibility. Same when he’s at work. It’s not like I’m slobbing around doing nothing most days. It’s just when he’s back it must seem like that.
Maybe I’m feeling more emotional given my latest diagnosis and the fact I’m currently going completely sugar free. For some one that takes joy in sugar be it natural or unnatural going cold turkey is what I imagine an addict feels when their drug choice is not in front of them. Well I probably have it a whole lot easier than that, but right now it doesn’t feel like it.
My body isn’t used to having no sugar. I can’t even eat a banana or a tangerine to perk me up. So I suppose I’m in a place where my body is just going through the motions of being starved from something that it’s addicted to and emotionally the hormones running through my veins are just making everything seem ten times worse.
And those looks and words from my partner are really starting to piss me off. I don’t need to feel bad about myself right now. I don’t need you to wait to see if I’ll be the one to do something because you’re testing how lazy I am.
I also don’t want to start an argument. I haven’t got the energy.
Right now I am diabetic. That makes me tired. Not lazy, but tired. Exhausted sometimes. The day I had my glucose tolerance test I took my son to nursery in the afternoon, came home and slept for three hours. I understand now that it was because of the diabetes. My body was crashing.
In the evenings, braxton hicks are really starting to kick in. And some of them are lasting incredibly long and can be quite painful. I’m doing that thing where I’m googling to make sure that if I go into pre term labour I’m knowledgable on it. My bump dropping hasn’t exactly eased my fears on pre term labour.
Logically however my son was born late, so it’s unlikely I’ll go into pre term labour, but being 25 weeks of course it worries me when I’m feeling that uncomfortable and my bump is now touching my thighs. As a positive though, I have lots of room to breath because baby isn’t up by my ribs at all.
But it does mean that in the evenings I’m trying to slow things down when I get braxton hicks. I’m trying to monitor them and not make myself feel more uncomfortable or accidentally kick start something from which we can’t return. But I’m made to feel like I’m making an excuse.
If of course Mr London Mum is working I don’t have that help and that’s fine, I manage and I get through. I have no choice. But when he is here I feel like he’s resenting me for not having this immediate get up and go as soon at it hits 7.30pm in the evening (Little London’s bedtime).
But the last few days I have just sat there. Legitimately rubbing my stomach trying to ease the discomfort.
I don’t find the bed time routine tedious at all- probably the easiest part of the day where the toddler is concerned. But right now it is a bit uncomfortable for me. It involves sitting on the floor of my sons room, where he’ll sit on my lap and I’ll read him a story. Except he no longer fits on my lap comfortably, so he’s sat on the edge of my legs with his back touching my tummy. Not a problem normally except when you have braxton hicks someone else touching you makes it all the worse.
After he’s had his story I lift him into his bed. That requires me to use those same stomach muscles to lift him up and over the cot bars.
I then have to reach down into his cot, which requires me pushing my stomach up against the bars to pull his night covers over him and make sure his teddies are in the right place. I spend a bit of time fixing his pillow and making sure his water is in the right place for him to reach if he wants a drink in the night, but not somewhere where it may possibly leak. Again the friction of his cot bars on my stomach just feels horrible. Perhaps things my other half doesn’t consider. And I suppose you wouldn’t unless you directly had to deal with those issues.
Of course if Little London were in a toddler bed this may not be an issue, but he’s never had a problem with being in his cot, and because his door is right next to a downwards stair case I don’t fancy changing his Urbane Boori into a toddler bed until we have a baby gate up.
Of course if Mr London Mum is working I take over, that’s a given. But on days when we’re both there I wish it wasn’t a case of ‘let’s make her feel shit because I did this yesterday’. He doesn’t say anything directly to me. But his body language, his movements. Everything is aimed at making feel uncomfortable.
Or maybe I’m just reading too much into it. Guess that’s the problem with hormones. You don’t know if some things are happening because they’re real or they’re in your mind.
Maybe these issues are actually my own and it’s my own guilt and feeling like a failure because I’m just not feeling myself. It’s a confusing time for me too.
Or maybe he is just being a little bit too hard on a person that can’t even turn to a slab of chocolate cake to make themselves feel happier. Who knows? *sigh*
Items for baby:
We have been sent this amazing bouncer by Skip Hop.
It’s called the Skip Hop Baby Uplift Multi-Level Adjustable Bouncer. Once we start to organise a space for the baby I’ll show you the bouncer out of the box all ready and set up. This particular chair stood out to me because it does adjust in height. I’m 70% sure that I’m going to have an elective caesarean. I’ll write up a post shortly on my decision or thoughts on my birth plan- but I have a meeting with my VBAC midwife to go through Little London’s birth notes to see where it went so wrong. SO I’m not making any decisions until that meeting.
The fact this bouncer adjusts should make my life post birth that little bit easier. I can have the bouncer set to a height that works for me where I’m able to put my baby into it without having to bend or exert much effort, and also get the baby out with relative ease as well.
I love the neutral colour and I’m actually really excited about getting the product up so I can see how all the functions work such as the vibration mode, the variety of melodies it plays and checking out the toy bar that comes with it.
We have also been sent the Sofalange changing mat. Trying to take a picture of it without having a room set up looks a bit strange, so I’ve used some of their product pictures instead. It’s a really popular changing mat in France but it’s very new to the UK so they wanted my feedback from it to see if it’s something that British mums might love too.
Unlike traditional changing mats, this one is shaped to cradle and help support the baby holding it’s head up slightly- great for babies with reflux or just generally pukey newborns. It also helps mum (or dad) and baby to maintain that eye contact as opposed to the baby starring up at the ceiling.
Little London was never all that happy on the changing mat we had. I’m not sure many babies like having their nappies changed, but I think if you can ease their discomfort and make the process hopefully smoother then it’s worth trying.
Plus with the higher sides it should help to prevent accidental falls which anyone with a baby knows is easily possible with the amount a baby wriggles.