Irritable, Moody and Emotional| 32 Weeks

I do hate writing a ranty post when pregnant, but when everything is going ok I never feel the need to write.  It’s usually when my mind feels burdened that I feel the words just want to come out.  Sort of like having a journal I suppose and just needing somewhere to just get everything off your mind so you can close a chapter and move on.

Now please don’t take this post to mean I regret being pregnant because I don’t.  And maybe from other posts you may be inclined to think this pregnancy is actually harder than my one with Little London.

But actually if I’m being honest, minus the obvious medical complications of this pregnancy I have actually much preferred being pregnant this time around.

Although I was never physically sick with my son when pregnant, the toll his pregnancy took on my body was just ridiculous.  And it’s only now that I’m in my second pregnancy that I realise just how horrific it was first time around with him.  The acid reflux, the constant back pain, the inability to walk because he was in essence trying to break my ribs, the low blood pressure that made me feel like I was going to faint the whole time added to the fact I never slept in my pregnancy with him, bar a few hours here or there.

This pregnancy I can’t complain.  Yes I’ve had morning sickness and I’ve got gestational diabetes (which isn’t fun don’t get me wrong), but physically I’m much more capable.  And I’m still getting good sleep at 32 weeks pregnant.

But, the hormones have just hit me full on.

(^^ Waterproofs| Dry Kids, Wellies| Aigle)

In the world of gestational diabetes, the 32 week to 36 week mark is the hardest period to control your sugars because of the huge surge in hormones being produced.

While I’m still managing to control my diabetes through the most lack lustre diet, these hormones are very real and apply to all pregnant ladies.  And I’m really starting to feel them.

I have no patience.  Absolutely none.  It’s like having PMT I suppose and not being in control of your emotions and just feeling really down about things- but unnecessarily so.

Things aren’t the easiest at home at the moment either, and I guess that puts added pressure on me right now.  Not enough to warrant my negative feelings right now though.

Mr London Mum has been working on a film for the past 6 weeks.  He’s been working long hours.  12/13 hour days are pretty much the standard and he’s working 6 days a week.  It’s easier for him to just stay near location during the week than it is for him to come home to just sleep and wake up to be on set early morning again.

He gets tomorrow off actually, so tonight he’ll come home around 10pm maybe 11pm, and then we’ll have one day together where most of it will be spent with him sleeping because he’s exhausted and the toddler trying to get daddy to play.  And then he’ll go to bed early because he has to be up ready to drive back to location the next day.  And I’m back to being alone and sole parenting.

Now I love my son like only a mother can understand.  He’s my world.  But when there’s a lack of help at home and hormones going wild, a toddler is just unbearable.

I feel bad for saying it, because maybe he’s actually ok.  Maybe there’s nothing wrong with his behaviour at all.  Perhaps the hormones are just making me overly sensitive and as a result he’s taking the brunt of my lack of patience (which has included me putting all his toys in a bin bag to take to the charity shop because he didn’t put them away when asked about 10 times).

The frustrating thing is I know I’m not in control of how I feel right now.  I go to bed and I feel awful.  I stand over my sons crib and want to wake him up to say I’m so sorry for mummy being angry.  And although I have told him during the day I’m not sure a 3-year-old quite grasps the concept of hormones.  (Although his toys from the bin bag are slowly making their way one by one back into his toy box when he doesn’t realise).

When he asks me if ‘mummy is happy’ it literally breaks my heart because it really isn’t his fault.  I’m just not in a rational place and to him I’m just forever angry.  He’ll try to hug and kiss me, but if I’m being honest him hanging off me frustrates me too, even though I know he’s not trying to be difficult, he’s just trying to make me feel better.  I feel like the worst mum.  One day I’ll regret not taking every cuddle and kiss I can, but it’s just too much for me right now.  I’m in need of my space.

And then when I get my space I just want my son to occupy the gap next to me.  I’m just so up and down.  I could literally burst into tears at the drop of a pin.

With PMT at least after a few days the feelings go.  I have another 4 weeks minimum to try to get hold of these hormones and try to control them.

Luckily Mr London Mum is finishing this job next week, and I hope just having someone else around to help me when I’m stressed or not dealing with parenting will help me out emotionally no end.

I need to just spend precious time with my son too, so he feels like I still love him.  I don’t want him to ever feel like he has to question it.  And with my behaviour I can’t see how he can’t question it.  I need him to know that he’s my baby and he always will be.  Time is ticking with just the two of us, and I feel like I’m ruining our last moments.

What I’m scared of most is not getting a grasp of these hormones and spiralling into PND when the baby arrives.  Maybe the two aren’t even associated.  But the thought has crossed my mind.

These hormones can just go and do one.

thelondonmum

64 Comments

  1. Just my feeble attempt to prop you up & support you … blimey LondonMum – that was a hard hard read! That’s just got to be one of your most ‘from the heart’ courageous & understandable ‘LondonMums emotions in turmoil’ posts! We know the ‘real’ F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S-E LondonMum & can only appreciate / understand & sympathise with her temporary challenging circumstances & you not being the ‘real you’ at the mo. But, having Mr. London back must surely take the strain off you … & can only hope he’ll absorb your frustration & screaming ‘anger hormones’ – that’s the one thing us useless blokes ARE good at – but, unfortunately, the harder we try to help, the more useless we are apparently (the amount of times I’ve been told that ha!!) When LittleLondon’s older he’ll understand & know that he & ‘lil-sis’ will both have the ‘best-est’ Mum!!! Just look at LittleLondon now – HE’S AN ABSOLUTE CREDIT TO YOU!!! – just as your LittleLondonPrincess will be!
    C’MON LondonMum … keep going, let it all out – you S-C-R-E-A-M at Dorset … Lucy & I’ll understand … & WE’LL HEAR YOU ha! Please please don’t forget LondonMum that WE’RE WITH YOU!! You’ll look back & won’t recognise yourself. C’MON LONDONMUM, DIG DEEP!!! B+WC’s LondonMum Album Track 2 now has definite poignancy.

    • Hahah I love that- the more you try the more useless you are. He didn’t give in to my request that he slept with no pillow because I needed three 😉

    • It definitely made a difference having him here, plus I pre warned him I’m an evil hormonal mess 😉

  2. I hope the days until Mr. London can come home after this job are a bit easier for you that way you can have the support you desperately need. x

    • Today was a good day, so it’s been much better. Hopefully tomorrow will be similar and then it’s only one more day by myself!

  3. I remember being pregnant with Mini Me 2 with a 2.5yo Mini Me 1 going through all that tantrum development that 2yo’s do and crying so many times in a day because I just couldn’t get it. It was hard – that was with Mr Me at home so I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is for you but please know it’s okay. The little’s understand and their love for us is far bigger than we can comprehend so a few months of angry mummy will be like a drop in the ocean of all the lovely mummy memories.

    Emmie xo

    • Oh I hope so, and this makes me feel so much better. Isn’t it terrible that as mums we remember the things we failed at but not the happy memories our kids actually have of us!

    • Sometimes I wish I could just gloss over a bad day- but you’re right as mums we dwell on it, and our little ones don’t.

    • Very true, I have to remember this isn’t forever and there’s not long left.

  4. You’re doing so well lovely and just remember this will be over soon and you’ll have a gorgeous little baby girl in your arms and it’ll be like you were never pregnant! It’s funny how you forget so easily. I have to agree though my first pregnancy was touch and second a little easier. I can’t wait to meet her chummy! X

    • You’ll have to teach me how to mother a girl!! eeeek!!!!

      I knew it would be tough to have a toddler and be pregnant but some days it’s just so god damn hard!

  5. I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling good and are getting a decent amount of sleep, that’s really important! I’m sure your o/h won’t mind you being a hormonal mess, it’s your right to! xx

  6. I’m so sorry you are having a difficult time right now. Try to be gentle with yourself, you are pregnant and acting as a single mom while your husband is away, and that is a lot to have to handle by yourself. I hope things are much better once your husband is home and you can just relax a bit x

  7. Oh Donna, hormones are a complete cow aren’t they? Hang in there, know it’s perfectly normal to cry and get it off your chest, it’s actually really good for you! Hope you get some rest when Mr London is home xx

    • Oh the water works can occur for the most ridiculous reasons! But it does feel good to cry.

    • This time around actually the pregnancy itself has been much kinder than it was with my son. I hate being pregnant with him- there was no joy in it! lol

  8. I’m the same, I always journal when I’m stressed out or not feeling my best, it really helps! I’m sending you well-wishes for the rest of your journey, you’re doing so well!

    • It does help so much! Just getting it off your chest helps so much

    • We’re in the final week of him working this film so fingers crossed he just gets a few random days here and there until the baby arrives. I need him home lol. x

    • I guess it’s a lot of frustration s well at being bigger and less able too!

  9. Being pregnant is tough, being pregnant whilst looking after another small child is HARD!!! I remember having a hard time of it when pregnant but its great that physically you feel like you are more capable!! Sorry to hear your partner hasn’t been around much but it sounds really great what he’s involved in at work! You definitely need your rest and your patience will continue to be trying but you won’t be pregnant forever! 😀

    • Very true, it often feels like a lifetime towards the end, but actually getting to this point has gone so quickly so it won’t be long at all.

    • It does make me feel better that at this stage many women struggle whether they have other kids or not. Hormone wise it’s a tough time.

  10. I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way, I hope you you start to feel better soon xx

  11. I am so sorry that you are having such a rubbish time of it at the moment. The only saving grace is that Mr LondonMum will be around more soon, and there are only a few weeks to go. I have everything crossed that this mood will lift soon and the last few weeks are more settled for you x

    • I hope so, I hope these last few weeks will just be a lot calmer with some help around.

  12. It must be harder the second time round though , having to look after one child whilst making another. I know I slept as much as I could during my pregnancy and I imagine you can’t do that with another child to rub around after !

  13. So many thoughts go through your mind when you are pregnant and it’s worse when you have conditions to add into the equation. I struggled with all 3 of my pregnancies and hated being pregnant. I think when it’s the first time around it can be harder as you don’t know what to expect. Glad you are feeling a little better about this pregnancy then the first.
    MELANIE EDJOURIAN recently posted…Michael Kors Spring Birthday Party Outfit Wishlist 2017My Profile

    • Yep maybe this time around I know more about how my body works and what’s not right. Plus once you’ve had one kid you realise you have to speak up to be heard if there are issues, and you’re more confident to do that.

  14. Sorry you are feeling like this. Hopefully when your partner gets back you will feel a bit better. Sending a hug!

    • He’s finished up now… first full day home… lets see how it goes 😉

  15. Glad the other half is back to make things easier for you, but give yourself a break, your pregnant and looking after Little London on your own whilst the other half is at work, and you’re doing a great job. Well done on being brave enough to write this post, so many people go through the exact same thing

  16. Sounds like you are having a tough week but I am sure no matter what mood you are in, your son will still know you love him 🙂

    • He does thankfully, he always tells me he loves me and that I’m his best friend- that melts my heart especially when I feel I’ve been short with him.

    • I hope so too, I think it’s just as you approach the end isn’t it? Everything just starts to really get a bit tedious, uncomfortable and tiring.

  17. Hormones in pregnancy are just awful. I remember that feeling all too well, as I felt like that with my last 2 pregnancies. It’s tough. You have to remind yourself that you’re a great mum and whatever doesn’t get done doesn’t get done. What’s going to happen? Look after yourself. xxx
    Mel recently posted…‘Free From’ Easter Treats and #FreeFromFridaysMy Profile

    • Very true. As long as I get baby and me to the birth day healthily and happily that’s what matters.

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